did not see this coming.

so my dream old life is out of the window.  i hate the busy city life. he loves it. i love the serene village life. i should've been firm about it. and maybe choose someone else or by myself je be far from the city. i wanted to be far away from the hustle. i need to chill. i cannot take anymore the anxiety the city brings. ----------- he is a lazy person. procrastinate all the day and it is taking a toll on me. solat tak jaga. can i have more participation in the house? i drive the most, i work too but somehow he gets the special treatment of getting back home and play games for hours. no need cleaning.  is this resentment?

 sek is good. like someone is working hard for it, me too. im trying to focus, i promise. the bad side is body hurts all over. being ol i less fun. --- i am now understand how pon make sek disgusting. like it doesn't have to be animalistic and rough, and  lacking of care. kisses feels a lot better when u kiss the person u love. who makes you feel at ease, in comfort. like he will protect you from the world. ---- i need a warm epsom soak. foot soak balik nanti? perhaps. 

husband told me he did not know i have a hot body. he used to think i am cute. now i am cute+hot+beautiful i feel honoured? or like yes i know i am but damn, self. hope i can motivate him to feel hot too. 

 berak. tadi berak keras pastu lega gila. pastu teringat masa tahun lepas kena bedah meraung kesakitan. sebab kerat buasir. alhamdulillah.

 Bila orang unreliable, it does not define you as unworthy.  Whatever people do, it is on themselves, and you know as you are doing your best, and still got no recognition or the commitment that you deserve, you are in a wrong place. You deserve places that appreciate your effort. At least that is what I tell myself. Not like I have a way out now. Or do I?  I guess it takes a lot to be consistent. I should ask him. And I read that to point out people unreliability, I will have to point out where is he reliable. Like  how he used to be always late and at first very reluctant go work early mornings. He did it splendidly. I do not know if telling him "I take much out of your effort/asking you too much" is definitely helpful or not. It is hurting me. I know he does not have the intent to hurt me. Maybe because he underestimate how much impact or how important he can be.  Like, I should not be able to rely on you ke nanti? I have only myself ke?

 Ye aku masih bitter. Aku benci the fact that I allowed myself to be hurt sebab kau tak bagitahu aku pasal hari penting kau. Aku sepatutnya dah terima yang aku ni tak lah sepenting yang disangka. Jadi aku akan layan ko macam tak penting langsung.  Dan kalau betul lah bagi kau benda tu kecil dan patut disembunyikan, kenapa ada PDA ha anak babi? Dah la sebelah meja aku. Babi. Aku kahwin nanti kau tak payah datang ye anak babi.  For my sanity I have to blog again. Sebelum aku sepak meja kau. Diamlah bitch. Bawak batuk Covid kau tu tempat lain and die.